Disney has turned another classic ride into a feature film. While this movie doesn’t quite hit “Rock bottom,” the bloated runtime runs out of steam as the likable characters get washed ashore.

Pants (Emily Blunt) and Skippy (Dwayne Johnson) have serviceable chemistry, but it doesn’t “ladder” up to the likes of the swashbuckling adventure in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN. Why? Because the story has three big bads! Yes, three bad guys chasing after the Pants and Skippy as they go down the river. There’s a nazi, a ghost, and a cranky tycoon!

Bad guys aside, I’m going to attempt a “blunt” review in the form of bad jokes from the ride and movie:

  • As the boa constrictor might say, the plotline was too hard to swallow.
  • Ladies and gentlemen, the 8th wonder of the world – the backside of recycled movie plots from better movies.
  • If the creators had a job at an orange juice factory, they would get canned because the logic put a squeeze on them. Who knows. Maybe, they just had a hard time concentrating?
  • Yes, the film has a Rock in it. Some might take him for granite because he has made boulder attractions.

Hopefully, those jokes were safe enough as a JUNGLE CRUISE going into Headhunter territory. Because honestly, there are a lot worse places for audiences to be headed than this film. It’s just so darn unfortunate it didn’t stand shoulders above the rest.

JUNGLE CRUISE sets sail on Disney+ and in theaters.

Aaron "Dobler" Goldstein

Aaron Goldstein is a Product Manager by day, ludicrous speed content consumer by night. Heโ€™s a LA Film School Alumni and TV Academy / Producers Guild of America member. Aaron is a proud parent and dad joke enthusiast.

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