Do you like scary movies?
It’s time to “be afraid, be very afraid” as SpoilerFreeReviews is dropping 13 spooky movies for fans to enjoy this PSL season. We will be posting our most frightful Halloween favorites over the next 13 spooky nights. So come join us around the fire as we tell our 13 creepy Halloween favorites. 🎃
This is just as much a review as it is a rant. I MUST do things this way. My hate for this film knows no bounds. I MUST express this detestment to the maximum of my capability.
HALLOWEEN KILLS is nuclear grade trash to the 25th power.
There are some good actors trying to make the most with what they got, sure. But are we here to talk about ACTING? Or effective STORYTELLING? Do you think we’re here to discuss something on a deeper cinematic level than an absolutely brain dead, routine as f***, studio price grab, slasher film called HALLOWEEN KILLS in the month of OCTOBER?!
OF COURSE NOT! We are here for the horror, right? Of course!…and even on that level, it is unbelievably horrendous. The worst thing about it is the horror. It’s very redundant and very, very, VERY routine. The sheer lack of creativity in everything involving the horror aspects of this movie is flat-out astonishing. I can’t put it into words.
So I wanted to do something a little fun and go by the numbers.
I don’t feel that telling you what I’m about to say is anything spoilery. Again, THIS IS A F****** HALLOWEEN MOVIE. A film franchise noted for its stereotypes. And to show the lack of creativity or originality and to show how OFTEN this movie insulted my intelligence, I will name a stereotype, followed by the number of times that it is repeated in this film.
(Important note: NOT EVERY ONE OF THE FOLLOWING STATISTICS LEAD TO A MICHAEL MYERS KILL. NOR ARE THEY NECESSARILY INVOLVED WITH THE MAIN STORYLINE)
*The “Be Right Back”– This is when Mikey Myers is in some place that two characters are exiting SAFELY, only for one of them to go back in that area for absolutely no good reason that will lead to a confrontation. (number of instances: 4 times)
*The “Point Blank”– When a character has a gun and opens fire at your buddy Myers from the POINT-IEST OF BLANK range, with MULTIPLE gunshots, but for some reason have the aiming ability of coked-out stormtroopers. (number of instances: 6 times)
*The “Lone Wolf” – When someone in a group of people who intend on killing Michael Myers as a COLLABORATIVE ENDEAVOUR instructs the entire group of people to fall back while he goes at it alone. To which, the group always abides…inexplicably. (number of instances: 7 times)
*The “Deactivated Legs”– When Michael Myers walks up to a potential victim that CLEARLY has the capability of running away to LEGIT SAFENESS… but for some reason, the functionality of their legs turns off, and they sit there and scream and beg in fear. Because reasons. (number of instances: 4 times)
*The “Come On In”– When a character forgets to lock a door that can keep Mr. Myers from getting inside of their RESIDENCE, only for them to have to go back and try and lock it. I’ll let you guess what happens from there. (number of instances: 3 times)
*The “Investigations”– When you legit KNOW this guy Myers is in the house, you hear footsteps and or loud bumping upstairs, and instead of running out of the house SAFELY… you decide to go and see what that noise was all about. (number of instances: 3 times)
*The “Teleportation”– When you, the viewer, have to ask yourself (possibly out loud) how in the fat-fishes-of-a phenomenal-farfegnugen-F*** Michael Myers covered THAT much ground in a SHORT amount of time to get that kill when he was at LEAST a hundred yards away. (number of instances: 3 times)
*The “Trip Over Nothing“- Possibly the most iconic stereotypical feature of an American slasher film outside of blood and gore. Someone trips over PURE OXYGEN when running away from Meyers, who is walking at a GLACIAL speed. (Only 2 times, shockingly)
*The “Moral Compass” – When someone has a large firearm pointed directly at the face of Michael Myers and decides that for some reason, they want to be the bigger person… and not kill him. (number of instances: 2 times)
All that and I didn’t even get into the ultra garbage-ness of the continuation of this storyline. Oh yeah, and all of these separate instances happened in a 100-minute running time.
One of the worst films of the year, to say the very least.
HALLOWEEN KILLS is in theatres now.