I’d planned to write a witty, fun, rhyming introduction to this review, but, well… what’s the point? The latest release from XYZ Films, THE MEAN ONE—a slasher film based on the iconic HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS (yes, you read that right)—is just not worth the effort.
If you’re unfamiliar with XYZ Films, don’t kick yourself. They grabbed some attention this August by announcing their upcoming slasher flick, WINNIE THE POOH: BLOOD AND HONEY. You see, as soon as the property hit the public domain, they snatched up the idea, soaked it in blood, and plan to release the film in early 2023. This Christmas season, the production company is taking advantage of parody law as protected in the constitution, switching Whoville for Newville, following lead Cindy You-Know-Who, and making some pretty comical efforts to avoid saying the word “Grinch,” all of which means they can get away with butchering the beloved tale.
As a connoisseur of bad horror movies, I was planning on giving this particular one a pass if only in hopes it might provide a few blood-fueled chuckles, but like those Who’s down in Whoville searching for their presents on Christmas morning, there are next to no redeeming qualities to be found here.
I’ll start with the movie’s best feature: the actor who plays The Mean One, himself, David Howard Thornton. Hot off the success of his instantly iconic turn as Art the Clown in the sleeper horror hits TERRIFIER and TERRIFIER 2, he utilizes his mime and clown-work training to portray a silly yet menacing version of the green meanie. His ability to utilize movement, facial features and eye movements are, frankly, masterful within his field, despite being hidden behind heavy makeup (the face prosthetic looks pretty good, but a cheap green wig with a Farrah Fawcett flip and a pair of green werewolf gloves from Spirit Halloween, spray-painted a mismatched green, ruin the effect). His performance, however, is too poorly shot and far too brief (I estimate less than 10 minutes of total screen time) to be even remotely memorable.
That brings us to the movie’s worst feature: every single aspect of the filmmaking process. Narrated throughout with embarrassingly poor attempts at rhyming, the movie utilizes shaky cinematography to hide literally every kill and an obnoxious amount of CGI snow, fire, smoke, and the worst digitally-produced blood you can possibly imagine. Like… it’s bad. As a character in the film says: “It’s funny…jut not ‘ha-ha’.”
The script, by Finn and Flip Kobler, all at once attempts too much and too little. No one’s watching for a story. I wanted to see a furry green beast tear unsuspecting Christmasers apart while spitting Scrooge-like one-liners and dousing holiday displays in (practical) blood. I wanted a demonic hell-hound in place of the faithful canine companion, Max. I wanted some fun gore and funny dialogue. What I got was a confounded Christmas conspiracy, a town drunk named “Doc” Mathias Zeus—yes, Dr. Zeus—and a law enforcement officer who expects a little mistletoe action immediately following a funeral procession (who’s also a cringe-worthy caricature of Judaism—we get it…you celebrate Hanukkah. That’s not a punchline). And no hell-hound.
Most of the cast seems to be performing in the movie we all wish we were watching. Unfortunately, director Steven LaMorte provided us with a movie no one wanted. Our lead, Cindy, tells the town sheriff she’s “Not trying to do his job. But somebody should.” I wish I could say that to the film’s director.
When I entered the theater, there were ten people watching. The other nine walked out. Then someone snuck in…and also left. I wish I had too.
THE MEAN ONE is available to NOT see in theaters.
