The day we’ve all been waiting for is here. Yes, it’s that time again. Taylor Swift’s new album came out at Midnight(s) tonight! I don’t know what era this new record is, but it continues her reign as the world’s most prominent music artist. While THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT doesn’t have as many TikTok-friendly tracks as MIDNIGHTS, it more than makes up for it with its subdued pop complexities. At this point, we can all agree that Swift is a gifted songwriter, and her two muses, Bleachers’ Jack Antonoff and The National’s Aaron Dessner, pair with her better than an “endless February.”
Here’s my track-by-track breakdown:
1. FORTNIGHT (feat. Post Malone) 🤩
Yes, this song sounds like a direct rip-off of Electric Youth’s “A Real Hero.” And yes, it grows on you with repeat listens. It sets up what’s to come. This is not an album about love – it’s a break-up empowerment album leading into a new romance (Travis Kelce).
Best lyrics: “I love you, it’s ruining my life.”
2. THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT 😊
Another song with a beat inspired by the 80s (Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam’s “Head to Toe“). Despite being written on a “typewriter,” this one doesn’t quite swing for the fences as much as “Fortnight.” Per my friend’s teenage daughter, “It’s mid.”
Best lyrics: ‘You’re not Dylan Thomas. I’m not Patti Smith. This isn’t the Chelsea Hotel. We’re modern idiots.”
3. MY BOY ONLY BREAKS HIS FAVORITE TOYS 😊
Outside of the bridge, this song is a bit too generic. It hits a lot of Swift’s previous themes, and Jack Antonoff’s beat isn’t up to the greatness he’s capable of.
Best lyrics: “I’m queen of sand castles he destroys.”
4. DOWN BAD 🤩
And with that, Taylor Swift drops more F-bombs than all of her previous albums in one song. Love the out-of-this-world melody and Swift’s play-on-words with CLOSE ENCOUNTERS (“encounters closer and closer”).
Best lyrics: “Did you take all my old clothes? Just to leave me here naked and alone.”
5. SO LONG, LONDON 🤮
The album needs this dark song before the comedic country turn in track 6. Yet, all I could think while listening was, “So long” to the uncatchy song and repetitive lyrics.
Best lyrics: “Two Graves, One Gun. I’ll find someone.”
6. BUT DADDY I LOVE HIM 🤩
Holy shit! Swift wrote a new country song that’s witty, funny, and a darker version of LOVE STORY. Easily a top three song on the album.
Best lyrics (too many!):
- “Screaming, “But, daddy, I love him.” I’m having this baby. No, I’m not. But you should see your faces.”
- “All the wine moms are still holding out. But fuck ’em, it’s over”
7. FRESH OUT THE SLAMMER 😊
Melody-wise, FRESH OUT THE SLAMMER has another sick bridge. It also moves Swift from her relationship with Joe Alwyn to Matt Healy.
Best lyrics: “All those nights you kept me goin’. Swirled you into all of my poems. Now we’re at the starting line, I did my time.”
8. FLORIDA!!! (feat. Florence + The Machine) 😊
Florida might be “a helluva drug,” but this song isn’t. I love hearing Florence’s voice on anything, yet the song doesn’t support the power of her vocal range.
Best lyrics: “Little did you know your home’s really only a town you’re just a guest in (Florida). So you work your life away just to pay.”
9. GUILTY AS SIN? 🤩
Best lyrics: What if he’s written “Mine” on my upper thigh only in my mind. One slip and falling back into the hedge maze. Oh, what a way to die.“
Did Swift drop two previous song references in the same song verse? If so, “Am I allowed to cry” now? In GUILTY AS SIN? Swift pays homage to “Mine” and “Labyrinth” in the same breath. That alone makes this song worthy of 🤩!
10. WHO’S AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD ME? 😊
A revenge song that feels like a subtle version of “Look What You Made Me Do” and “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things.”
Best lyrics: “Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream.”
11. I CAN FIX HIM (NO I REALLY CAN) 🤮
Lyrically, this is a complex song about learning the hard way that even if you love someone, you can’t change them. Yet, musically, I was bored.
Best lyrics: I’ll show you heaven if you’ll be an angel, all mine.”
12. LOML 🤩
The #ImNotCryingYoureCrying break-up song of the album. Also, I think Swift referenced Whitney Houston’s “Didn’t We Almost Have It All” with the song lyrics “Almost Had it All.” ❤️
Best lyrics: “You and I go from one kiss to getting married. Still alive, killing time at the cemetery. Never quite buried.”
13. I CAN DO IT WITH A BROKEN HEART 🤩
If track 6 is the country song hit on the album, track 13 is the pop one. I already imagine TikTok videos with people lip-singing, “I’m so depressed, I act like it’s my birthday… every day.” I CAN DO IT WITH A BROKEN HEART is the saddest lyrically and the happiest musically. And that’s part of the magic of Taylor Swift.
Best lyrics: “I’m so depressed, I act like it’s my birthday… every day.”
14. THE SMALLEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED 🤩
Best. Bridge. On. The. Album. Thank you, Aaron Dessner, for producing this near-perfect song.
Best lyrics:
- “You didn’t measure up in any measure of a man.”
- “And I don’t even want you back, I just want to know.”
15. THE ALCHEMY 😊
Yasss, Swift finally finds love for her tortured poet heart. Noooo, this song isn’t as good as her new love to Travis Kelce deserves.
Best lyrics: “He jokes that it’s heroin, but this time with an E.”
16. CLARA BOW 😊
It’s a fantastic finale where the message doesn’t completely land, but producer Aaron Dessner once again kills it.
Best lyrics: “The crown is stained, but you’re the real queen.”
Just like “Clara Bow,” Taylor Swift has edge like she never did. With THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT, the future’s bright, dazzling.
The album is available on all music streaming services.
