Blumhouse, Blumhouse, Blumhouse… What are we doing here? By now even you must be aware that your studio’s films are reliably formulaic and offensively simple – the absolute definition of plebian genericism. And yet, for some reason, they rake in money hand over fist time after time. Even the films that are commonly agreed upon by critics and audiences to be terrible make money. Are you aware that you churn out consistently crummy movies? Is this all some kind of joke? And can you say with absolute sincerity that NIGHT SWIM was a film worthy of a theatrical release? – nay, production? Call it the gate-keepy opinion of an admittedly cynical and snotty horror journalist, but you’ve really outdone yourself with your latest addition to crimes against horror cinema.
Based on a well-filmed but ultimately forgettable 2014 short film of the same name, this feature-length adaptation sheds any scrap of interesting filmmaking technique or originality and replaces it with the same old predictable, factory-made, CGI-laden, unscary story beats we’ve come to expect from Blumhouse. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen the scariest sequence of the film. The word “scary” should be considered generous here; for a movie about the horrors of swimming at night, a surprising amount of it is about swimming during the day.
NIGHT SWIM, directed by the short’s original creator Bryce McGuire and co-written with Rod Blackhurst (that’s right, it took two brains to come up with this) is about a haunted swimming pool. That’s it. That’s not even putting it simply. That’s just what the movie is about. Sure, the film centers around an all-American cis/straight/white nuclear family moving into a sprawling new home in a beautiful neighborhood, but none of that matters. In fact, frankly, if you’ve seen any horror movie about any all-American cis/straight/white nuclear family moving into a new home before, you’ve already seen NIGHT SWIM, and you’ve seen it done better. This particular family just happens to have the luxury of having a swimming pool out back… even if it is a wet pit of pure, chlorinated evil. It’s an aquatic rip-off of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR, and unabashedly so. It seems a real missed opportunity to have not entitled the film, “Pooltergeist,” instead.
I know what you’re thinking: “A pool?! In this economy?!” There’s a brief throw-away moment acknowledging the privilege of owning a pool in today’s market, but that’s the film’s only attempt at any sort of socially relevant subtext. That, and ticking off side-character casting diversity boxes so inorganically it feels vaguely offensive rather than even remotely inclusive or progressive.
Performances are uninspired because the story is uninspired. Wyatt Russell plays ailing MLB vet/World’s-Greatest-Dad Ray Walter decently well, but there’s not much here to play with. He’s charming and handsome and likable because Russell, himself, is charming and handsome and likable. Kerry Condon, who plays wife/mother Eve Walter, carries a fair amount of the film’s “emotional” weight on her shoulders and gives the closest example of a moving performance that this script can possibly provide. Their children, Izzie and Elliot (Amélie Hoeferle and Gavin Warren, respectively) are inconsequential to the progression of the film, despite son Elliot being at the forefront of the plot. Honestly, the film’s most interesting character is the snoopy real estate agent who sells them the house, played by Nancy Lenehen (VEEP, MY NAME IS EARL). Thank God we’re gifted a little more of her at the end of the second act. An honorable mention goes to the pool guy, comically and all-too-briefly played by HIGH MAINTANANCE’S Ben Sinclair. It’s a problem when your comedic character actors are outshining your “dramatic” leads.
Beyond that, NIGHT SWIM listlessly wades its way through every subpar horror film trope you’ve ever seen. Are you thinking of a lame trope used as a predictable plot device right now? I guarantee it can be found lazily dog paddling somewhere around the shallow end of NIGHT SWIM.
By now the same old tropes are tired and you’d think audiences would be tired of seeing them, but Blumhouse recently announced their intention to release 8 films a year rather than their usual 4 after teaming up with James Wan’s production company, Atomic Monster. This journalist is choosing to reserve comment.
It’s ironic (or is it?) that a film so firmly planted in a warm summertime setting was dropped in the dreaded, icy, winter-laden Q1 movie release schedule. It’s almost as though Blumhouse knew what they had done, realized their folly, and just left NIGHT SWIM out to drown by itself… without floaties. Take a note from them: skip this swim – the water’s freezing.
NIGHT SWIM is playing in theaters starting January 5th.
