KRAMER vs. KRAMER

Divorce is hell. Don’t let anyone tell you differently, even if both parties part amicably. It is still an ending, a ripping apart of what was to whatever will be in the future. You can bury your feelings, go into denial, become angry, become isolated, or become very social, but it all comes down to the same thing. Becoming single again is a shock to the nervous system, and it takes time to move on, forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and perhaps love again. 

I know this from experience. I got divorced in 1983. It hit me hard. My children were 3 1/2 and 1 1/2. The court ruled that I could only remain at home for one additional year. Then I had to go back to work. It was devasting at the time financially and emotionally. I lost a bunch of my confidence. I never considered myself a “failure” at anything, but here I was, starting over with two previous, little ones. I had to move out of my dream house, find another home for our huge St. Bernard pup, look for a teaching job, and all the while, keep a happy, composed smile on my face for the sake of my kids. Some days were better than others. I mourned my losses and learned to lean on good friends and family. 

I grew in ways I never would have anticipated. I became another version of who I was before. I realized I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. I was lucky. I learned to let go. This is something I continue to work at every day. Life is filled with falls. Everyone will at some point or another slip to the ground. It is more important how we get up after. When we rise, we remain hopeful. Getting to your feet, standing upright, is the true essence of who you are at your core. Divorce taught me resilience. I am stronger than I thought I was. I am grateful for that knowledge or spirit from the heart because I know the universe can surprise us with all kinds of good and bad stuff every day. 

In 1979, I was still married and pregnant. I could not relate to divorce, custody battles, or leaving your child, but then the most amazing, insightful film hit the theaters. It was brave enough to expose a major elephant in the room, a topic not often discussed in many American homes at the time. The spotlight glared on all those intimate details that go on behind closed doors, that no one is ever invited in to witness firsthand. Relationships between two people are never just black or white. There are so many layers of gray tightly wedged in between. No one side can be right all the time. It is a partnership of infinite proportions that demands our continual attention and adjustment. KRAMER vs. KRAMER taught me that it is possible to change your paradigm and become a better person, one who is more authentic than where you started. It demonstrated that divorce doesn’t have to be that period at the end of a sentence. It can also be a comma, indicating that neither side wins, especially if there are custody issues. It became a phenomenon that swept our country.

KRAMER vs. KRAMER won the Academy Award for Best Picture, as well as Best Director (Robert Benton), Best Actor (Dustin Hoffman), Best Supporting Actress (Meryl Streep), and Best Screenplay (Benton again). It was nominated for four other Oscars, including  Best Cinematography, Editing, Supporting Actress (Jane Alexander), and Supporting Actor (Justin Henry, who was  only eight years old. The youngest ever to be nominated, still today.) The film cost $8 million to make, and grossed over $160 million. It earned more money than any film that year for the studio. The story was based on a novel by Avery Corman. 

Benton believed in the art of improvisation. He encouraged his actors every day to take chances. Hoffman and Streep took his words to heart. The scene in the restaurant where Hoffman throws the wine glass at the wall was a total surprise to everyone except for the cameraman. (Hoffman gave him a heads-up, but Streep’s reaction was real and used in the film.) The ice cream dinner battle between Henry and Hoffman was all ad-libbed. Henry took that ice cream out of the freezer all on his own. She rewrote Streep’s entire courtroom monologue because she did not feel the writers explained Joanna’s side of the story very well. Benton loved it and kept it in. Hoffman was going through a brutal divorce himself in real life and would constantly make up his own lines and phrases, so much so that during filming, Benton wanted to give him a writer’s credit. He refused. Streep was also pregnant throughout the entire project. This is why she wore a baggy jacket and an oversized raincoat for the final scene. Streep never really loved working with Hoffman, especially after he slapped her before a take to get her into character. He also tormented her by whispering her recently dead lover’s (He died from cancer) name in her ear to get an emotional rise. She said in later interviews about her leading men that “she wanted to marry Redford, shag De Niro, and kill Hoffman.”

Hoffman and Streep were incredible together, nevertheless. Their chemistry, their push and pull, was like watching a master class on screen. The pauses, the breaths, the raising of a simple eyebrow, or even avoiding eye contact, were like being privy to a husband and wife’s very intimate conversations. It all created such a clear intention and compelling interest within those four walls of their apartment. Their pure love for their child was evident in every frame and palpable. At times, their emotional verbiage felt so honest and raw, yet impossible to turn away from. 

What makes KRAMER vs. KRAMER brilliant is that the film never really takes either side. It showcases the problems, voicing the arguments and discussions from different points of view. It allows audiences to grow and learn along with the characters. The words gave attention to how our society in the late 70’s viewed divorce. Can a man, a father, raise his child with love and devotion? Is it only a woman, the mother, who holds the market on this theory? Who can raise a child the best? Thank goodness, things have changed and evolved. There isn’t any one, blanket, correct answer. Each situation must be explored individually, but almost forty years ago, most men never really had a chance when it came to custody. KRAMER vs. KRAMER was boldly ahead of its time. It let the story unravel and allowed the outcome to be solely for the good of the child in question. Bravo. 

KRAMER vs. KRAMER was a courtroom classic about child custody. It pushed the boundaries farther apart in all the right directions. It gave audiences much to think about behind their own closed doors. The film never said who was right. It left that decision to our own marriages. Is a divorce a failure, or is it just another beginning filled with infinite possibilities? The best kind of artistic endeavors often leave us pondering long after the lights come up. These are the ones we never forget. 

KRAMER vs. KRAMER is available to rent.