Taylor Swift launched her album, and then two hours later, she dropped 15 more songs! I refuse to re-review the original album (reviewed here), so this review is a breakdown of the not-as-exciting second part of THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT.
17. THE BLACK DOG 🤩
The album’s back half starts with a “Florida!”!” like beat, but slowed down. Also, kudos to Swift for mentioning The Starting Line.
Best lyrics: “And I hope it’s shitty in The Black Dog when someone plays The Starting Line and you jump up, but she’s too young to know this song.”
18. imgonnagetyouback 😊
Wait, did Swift just make a mellow version of Olivia Rodrigo’s “Get Him Back?” She did. “The bad news is that Olivia Rodrigo’s song is more raw and danceable.
Best lyrics: “Whether I’m gonna be your wife, or gonna smash up your bike, I haven’t decided yet, but I’m gonna get you back.”
19. THE ALBATROSS 🤮
This song might be a warning to Travis, but it’s just not catchy, singable, or memorable.
Best lyrics: “Cross your thoughtless heart, only liquor anoints you, she’s the albatross, she is here to destroy you.”
20. CHLOE OR SAM OR SOPHIA OR MARCUS 🤮
While the lyrics soar, the up-and-down melody in track 20 is boring and uninspiring.
Best lyrics: “If you want to break my cold, cold heart, just say, ‘I loved you the way that you were.'”
21. HOW DID IT END? 🤮
After “How Did It End,” I realized that Jack Antonoff is really Swift’s muse, and Aaron Dessner is her Ambien. Just like track 20, this one is produced by him and will lull listeners to sleep.
Best lyrics: “We hereby conduct this post mortem, he was a hothouse flower to my outdoorsman.”
22. SO HIGH SCHOOL 😊
A love song for Travis Kelce that gets us out of the snooze-worthy tracks 19-21 and back to something a little more upbeat. It’s not perfect, but anything is better at this point than the previous three tracks.
Best lyrics: “Are you gonna marry, kiss, or kill me? It’s just a game, but really, I’m bettin’ on all three for us two.”
23. I HATE IT HERE 🤮
I’m starting to think that the 2 AM new songs shouldn’t have been released. I get that it’s cathartic for Taylor Swift, but despite every song being lyrically impressive, a lot of them melody-wise are not.
Best lyrics: “I’m lonely, but I’m good. I’m bitter, but I swear I’m fine.”
24. thanK you aIMee 😊
The Kim Kardashian feud is back! And the song to support it sounds nearly identical to all the Aaron Dessner-produced tracks on the second half of the album.
Best lyrics: “All that time you were throwing punches, I was buildin’ something, and I couldn’t wait to show you it was real.”
25. I LOOK IN PEOPLE’S WINDOWS 🤩
Woohoo – Jack Antonoff is back to produce a song, and it’s two minutes of dense melodies. Listen closely for birds chirping, the sound of pages turning, and a mix worthy of Swift’s songwriting.
Best lyrics: “I look in people’s windows in case you’re at their table. What if your eyes looked up and met mine, one more time.”
26. THE PROPHECY 😊
Track 26 is an extension of track 23, complete with Aaron Dessner counting down the song to start. Yet, what makes this one listenable is a sped-up guitar riff. It almost feels like an extension to Willow from 2020’s Evermore. And that’s the best compliment I can give the song.
Best lyrics: “I had their lives in my hands, their fate, their fortunes, in my visions. No one believed in my true prophecy, And now it’s too late.”
27. CASSANDRA 🤮
Despite having a Reputation callback “filled my cell with snakes,” a slew of Greek mythology references, and some stunning songwriting, the melody is once again average. I’m starting to draw a “Blank Space” on what to say about any additional Aaron Dessner-produced songs, as at this point, I don’t want to be “Mean.”
Best lyrics: “So they filled my cell with snakes, I regret to say. Do you believe me now?“
28. PETER 😊
I’m a sucker for Peter Pan metaphors. And despite “Peter” having a repetitive melody that “Neverlands,” I’ve spent way too much time (“tick-tock”) listening to it like a “lost boy.”
Best lyrics:
- “You said you were gonna grow up, then you were gonna come find me.”
- “Lost to the Lost Boys chapter of your life, forgive me, Peter, please know that I tried.”
- “And I won’t confess that I waited, but I let the lamp burn as the men masqueraded. I hoped you’d return with your feet on the ground.”
29. THE BOLTER 😊
“The Bolter” has acoustic “Getaway Car” vibes, and “Getaway Car” is the closest Taylor Swift has come to writing a Fall Out Boy song. Those two things make it worth listening to… whenever.
Best lyrics: “Started with a kiss, oh, we must stop meeting like this, but it always ends up with a Town Car speeding.”
30. ROBIN 🤮
This song may be written for a kid, but it’s a poor imitation of Swift’s superior, “Never Grow Up.”
Best lyrics: “You’ll learn to bounce back just like your trampoline.”
31. THE MANUSCRIPT 😊
A haunting farewell to “The Tortured Poets Department.”
Best lyrics:
- “Now and then, I reread the manuscript, but the story isn’t mine anymore.”
- “He said that if the sex was half as good as the conversation was, soon they’d be pushin’ strollers.”
Taylor Swift has made a career out of “looking back.” I think her fans can agree that while they appreciate the two hours of music, it’s time to “move forward.” Since she’s found love with Travis, I’m hopeful that Swift once again reinvents herself with something as “dazzling” as she is.
The album is available on all music streaming services.
