TAYLOR SWIFT THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT ALBUM REVIEW 🤩

The day we’ve all been waiting for is here. Yes, it’s that time again. Taylor Swift’s new album came out at Midnight(s) tonight! I don’t know what era this new record is, but it continues her reign as the world’s most prominent music artist. While THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT doesn’t have as many TikTok-friendly tracks as MIDNIGHTS, it more than makes up for it with its subdued pop complexities. At this point, we can all agree that Swift is a gifted songwriter, and her two muses, Bleachers’ Jack Antonoff and The National’s Aaron Dessner, pair with her better than an “endless February.”

Here’s my track-by-track breakdown:

1. FORTNIGHT (feat. Post Malone) 🤩

Yes, this song sounds like a direct rip-off of Electric Youth’s “A Real Hero.” And yes, it grows on you with repeat listens. It sets up what’s to come. This is not an album about love – it’s a break-up empowerment album leading into a new romance (Travis Kelce).

Best lyrics: “I love you, it’s ruining my life.”

2. THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT 😊

Another song with a beat inspired by the 80s (Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam’s “Head to Toe“). Despite being written on a “typewriter,” this one doesn’t quite swing for the fences as much as “Fortnight.” Per my friend’s teenage daughter, “It’s mid.”

Best lyrics: ‘You’re not Dylan Thomas. I’m not Patti Smith. This isn’t the Chelsea Hotel. We’re modern idiots.”

3. MY BOY ONLY BREAKS HIS FAVORITE TOYS 😊

Outside of the bridge, this song is a bit too generic. It hits a lot of Swift’s previous themes, and Jack Antonoff’s beat isn’t up to the greatness he’s capable of.

Best lyrics: “I’m queen of sand castles he destroys.”

4. DOWN BAD 🤩

And with that, Taylor Swift drops more F-bombs than all of her previous albums in one song. Love the out-of-this-world melody and Swift’s play-on-words with CLOSE ENCOUNTERS (“encounters closer and closer”).

Best lyrics: “Did you take all my old clothes? Just to leave me here naked and alone.”

5. SO LONG, LONDON 🤮

The album needs this dark song before the comedic country turn in track 6. Yet, all I could think while listening was, “So long” to the uncatchy song and repetitive lyrics.

Best lyrics: “Two Graves, One Gun. I’ll find someone.”

6. BUT DADDY I LOVE HIM 🤩

Holy shit! Swift wrote a new country song that’s witty, funny, and a darker version of LOVE STORY. Easily a top three song on the album.

Best lyrics (too many!):

• “Screaming, “But, daddy, I love him.” I’m having this baby. No, I’m not. But you should see your faces.”
• “All the wine moms are still holding out. But fuck ’em, it’s over”

7. FRESH OUT THE SLAMMER 😊

Melody-wise, FRESH OUT THE SLAMMER has another sick bridge. It also moves Swift from her relationship with Joe Alwyn to Matt Healy.

Best lyrics: “All those nights you kept me goin’. Swirled you into all of my poems. Now we’re at the starting line, I did my time.”

8. FLORIDA!!! (feat. Florence + The Machine) 😊

Florida might be “a helluva drug,” but this song isn’t. I love hearing Florence’s voice on anything, yet the song doesn’t support the power of her vocal range.

Best lyrics: “Little did you know your home’s really only a town you’re just a guest in (Florida). So you work your life away just to pay.”

9. GUILTY AS SIN? 🤩

Best lyrics: What if he’s written “Mine” on my upper thigh only in my mind. One slip and falling back into the hedge maze. Oh, what a way to die.“

Did Swift drop two previous song references in the same song verse? If so, “Am I allowed to cry” now? In GUILTY AS SIN? Swift pays homage to “Mine” and “Labyrinth” in the same breath. That alone makes this song worthy of 🤩!

10. WHO’S AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD ME? 😊

A revenge song that feels like a subtle version of “Look What You Made Me Do” and “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things.”

Best lyrics: “Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream.”

11. I CAN FIX HIM (NO I REALLY CAN) 🤮

Lyrically, this is a complex song about learning the hard way that even if you love someone, you can’t change them. Yet, musically, I was bored.

Best lyrics: I’ll show you heaven if you’ll be an angel, all mine.”

12. LOML 🤩

The #ImNotCryingYoureCrying break-up song of the album. Also, I think Swift referenced Whitney Houston’s “Didn’t We Almost Have It All” with the song lyrics “Almost Had it All.” ❤️

Best lyrics: “You and I go from one kiss to getting married. Still alive, killing time at the cemetery. Never quite buried.”

13. I CAN DO IT WITH A BROKEN HEART 🤩

If track 6 is the country song hit on the album, track 13 is the pop one. I already imagine TikTok videos with people lip-singing, “I’m so depressed, I act like it’s my birthday… every day.” I CAN DO IT WITH A BROKEN HEART is the saddest lyrically and the happiest musically. And that’s part of the magic of Taylor Swift.

Best lyrics: “I’m so depressed, I act like it’s my birthday… every day.”

14. THE SMALLEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED 🤩

Best. Bridge. On. The. Album. Thank you, Aaron Dessner, for producing this near-perfect song.

Best lyrics:

• “You didn’t measure up in any measure of a man.”
• “And I don’t even want you back, I just want to know.”

15. THE ALCHEMY 😊

Yasss, Swift finally finds love for her tortured poet heart. Noooo, this song isn’t as good as her new love to Travis Kelce deserves.

Best lyrics: “He jokes that it’s heroin, but this time with an E.”

16. CLARA BOW 😊

It’s a fantastic finale where the message doesn’t completely land, but producer Aaron Dessner once again kills it.

Best lyrics: “The crown is stained, but you’re the real queen.”

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Just like “Clara Bow,” Taylor Swift has edge like she never did. With THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT, the future’s bright, dazzling.

The album is available on all music streaming services.