TERMS OF ENDEARMENT 🤩

There are certain films in our lives that hit too deeply within our souls and take us back to memories from our past that we would rather not revisit, fearing that they will release similar moments, lines, and actions into our brains that we see on the screen. I think of them as magnets, that as often as you try to resist and close your mind, the pull is too strong. This is what happened this past week. A movie that triggers my emotional spectrum worked its way into my heart and opened my memory box. It is that time of year for me when thoughts of my daughter, Ilisa Rae, are front and center since it is the anniversary of her death. Last night, I let myself be flooded with all that I had held back throughout the year.

Mothers and daughters are prone to having a tenuous, up-and-down relationship. It was this way with my own mother and daughter. The three of us have been told we were all a force to be reckoned with, so it was very natural for us to butt heads throughout the day. I would argue with my mom, and later, my daughter would argue with me. It was usually about stupid stuff. I fought to find my independence, and Ilisa did the same.

When I think back to those explosive years, sometimes I will let my guard down and allow the film, TERMS OF ENDEARMENT, to softly creep inside the nooks and crannies of my grief. I am once again reminded of the verbal, insightful fighting throughout this movie while tumultuous waves poke at my gut and knock me to my knees.

“I always think of us as fighting.”

“That’s just from your end because you’re never satisfied with me.”

Oh, I often thought this way about my Mom, and I have a feeling it was ditto for Ilisa. Yet,  our bonds and love for each other were forged in steel. We three loved each other fiercely. Everyone knew this to be true.

I was there beside my daughter when she died. I saw her take her last breath. I, too,  and just like Aurora, thought it might be a relief because I didn’t want her to be in pain or suffer anymore, but I, too, knew nothing. The second she was gone, I knew better and cried out into the universe, “There’s nothing harder.”  

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT was billed as a comedy. It encompassed snippets from the lives of two women over the course of several decades. It depicted the rollercoaster ride of their relationship as they struggled and soared through life’s intentional and surprising twists and turns. It demonstrated that none of us go through life alone. We gently touch those around us, like domino pieces. We push, lean, guide, and fall in directions we never saw coming. TERMS OF ENDEARMENT brought into the light what was really important. It celebrated the wisdom of getting older and learning how to be strong, no matter what was thrown in front of you. It planted seeds of inspiration that were not just one-dimensional. The film forced the concept that two things can be true at the same time. It is possible to smile and laugh even during our darkest hours. There are critics who describe TOE as one of the finest films of all time. For myself, it was filled with truths about things we don’t talk about out loud, but should. TERMS OF ENDEARMENT gave me hope.

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT was nominated in 1983 for eleven Oscars and won five. It was no surprise that it was awarded Best Picture, Best Actress (Shirley MacLaine), Best Director and Screenplay (James L.  Brooks), and Best Supporting Actor (Jack Nicholson). It was a huge box office success, even though everyone was an emotional wreck as the final credits rolled. Debra Winger, as Emma, should have been placed in the Best Supporting Actress category instead of competing against MacLaine as Aurora. When MacLaine stood to receive her Oscar, she whispered to Winger, “Half of this is yours.” Winger promptly replied, “I want my half.”

This was Brooks’s first feature-length film that he directed. He cast MacLaine because she was the only one who saw TERMS OF ENDEARMENT as a comedy. Brooks liked to play pranks on his cast so he could get the broadest, spontaneous responses from the script. He loved working within the realm of improv. It is a well-known fact that Winger and MacLaine often fought on the set. Brooks did not choose to temper those feelings down; instead, he used their anger and frustration with each other to get the takes he wanted. It was not always an easy workplace, especially with Nicholson sometimes showing up almost naked, “just because.”  Brooks had to have a strong sense of what vision he saw and wanted to project on screen with all the shenanigans going on behind the scenes.

Even though MacLaine and Winger had a volatile relationship, it did not stop them from producing some of their best work. It was imperative for their dialogues to be in perfect harmony, whether they were fighting or hugging, like mother and daughter. It worked perfectly every time. When the two of them stared into each other’s eyes, it was like seeing two peas in a pod. They were mesmerizing and kept audiences in the palm of their hands. We never doubted that they loved each other. This requires skill, timing, and trust, despite all their personal feuding. It exemplifies their consummate strengths as performers.

MacLaine and Nicholson had mounds of chemistry together. It was such an out-of-the-box theme to show two people 50-plus years old in a sexual relationship. It was bold even for the 80s. Their scenes were touching, intimate, hilarious, embarrassing, kind, and loving. It was such a joy to witness their honest commitment to get it right. It was daring to show how men and women physically age. The fears, the anxiety, the subtleties versus the larger-than-life comedic bits made it all come alive for everyone, no matter how many birthdays you have celebrated. Bravo.

The supporting ensemble was just as phenomenal. Jeff Daniels, Danny DeVito, John Lithgow, and Lisa Hart each brought additional pieces of the relationship puzzle to the forefront. The friendships, the adorations, along with the never-seen but visible affairs, were sheer perfection. These subplots put the finishing touches on incredible casting and made TERMS OF ENDEARMENT more complete.

The original score by Michael Gore was haunting, lilting, and heartbreaking. It took audiences through the years, from tears to joy, and back again. It is no wonder it received a nod from The Academy with an Oscar nomination. Once you hear the lyrical notes, they will stay with you always.

Whenever I see TERMS OF ENDEARMENT, I cannot let go of Aurora screaming at the nurses’ station, “to give my daughter her shot.”  Brutal. I have been there with Ilisa, as well. I see Aurora and Emma talking, laughing, and being silly while their legs dangled together behind their bodies. It makes me remember sitting with Ilisa on her bed, eating ice cream, laughing, and talking about an old TV show. I, too, checked for a heartbeat when Ilisa was a baby. (But I didn’t climb into her crib like Aurora did.) I missed my daughter’s first wedding. (Not by choice.) There was far too much that was similar. Small moments that created a lifetime, the good and the not-so-good.

This is the strength and power of TERMS OF ENDEARMENT.  It is a tear-jerking, comedy classic that oozes realistic sentimentality.  It is a favorite of mine that I will never be able to let go of. It is a masterpiece that allows for a kind of spiritual release, saying we are not alone. It will endure for decades to come.

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT is available on TCM.