Blumhouse, Blumhouse, Blumhouse⊠What are we doing here? By now even you must be aware that your studioâs films are reliably formulaic and offensively simple â the absolute definition of plebian genericism. And yet, for some reason, they rake in money hand over fist time after time. Even the films that are commonly agreed upon by critics and audiences to be terrible make money. Are you aware that you churn out consistently crummy movies? Is this all some kind of joke? And can you say with absolute sincerity that NIGHT SWIM was a film worthy of a theatrical release? â nay, production? Call it the gate-keepy opinion of an admittedly cynical and snotty horror journalist, but youâve really outdone yourself with your latest addition to crimes against horror cinema.
Based on a well-filmed but ultimately forgettable 2014 short film of the same name, this feature-length adaptation sheds any scrap of interesting filmmaking technique or originality and replaces it with the same old predictable, factory-made, CGI-laden, unscary story beats weâve come to expect from Blumhouse. If youâve seen the trailer, youâve seen the scariest sequence of the film. The word âscaryâ should be considered generous here; for a movie about the horrors of swimming at night, a surprising amount of it is about swimming during the day.
NIGHT SWIM, directed by the shortâs original creator Bryce McGuire and co-written with Rod Blackhurst (thatâs right, it took two brains to come up with this) is about a haunted swimming pool. Thatâs it. Thatâs not even putting it simply. Thatâs just what the movie is about. Sure, the film centers around an all-American cis/straight/white nuclear family moving into a sprawling new home in a beautiful neighborhood, but none of that matters. In fact, frankly, if youâve seen any horror movie about any all-American cis/straight/white nuclear family moving into a new home before, youâve already seen NIGHT SWIM, and youâve seen it done better. This particular family just happens to have the luxury of having a swimming pool out back⊠even if it is a wet pit of pure, chlorinated evil. Itâs an aquatic rip-off of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR, and unabashedly so. It seems a real missed opportunity to have not entitled the film, âPooltergeist,â instead.
I know what youâre thinking: âA pool?! In this economy?!â Thereâs a brief throw-away moment acknowledging the privilege of owning a pool in todayâs market, but thatâs the filmâs only attempt at any sort of socially relevant subtext. That, and ticking off side-character casting diversity boxes so inorganically it feels vaguely offensive rather than even remotely inclusive or progressive.
Performances are uninspired because the story is uninspired. Wyatt Russell plays ailing MLB vet/Worldâs-Greatest-Dad Ray Walter decently well, but thereâs not much here to play with. Heâs charming and handsome and likable because Russell, himself, is charming and handsome and likable. Kerry Condon, who plays wife/mother Eve Walter, carries a fair amount of the filmâs âemotionalâ weight on her shoulders and gives the closest example of a moving performance that this script can possibly provide. Their children, Izzie and Elliot (AmĂ©lie Hoeferle and Gavin Warren, respectively) are inconsequential to the progression of the film, despite son Elliot being at the forefront of the plot. Honestly, the filmâs most interesting character is the snoopy real estate agent who sells them the house, played by Nancy Lenehen (VEEP, MY NAME IS EARL). Thank God weâre gifted a little more of her at the end of the second act. An honorable mention goes to the pool guy, comically and all-too-briefly played by HIGH MAINTANANCEâS Ben Sinclair. Itâs a problem when your comedic character actors are outshining your âdramaticâ leads.
Beyond that, NIGHT SWIM listlessly wades its way through every subpar horror film trope youâve ever seen. Are you thinking of a lame trope used as a predictable plot device right now? I guarantee it can be found lazily dog paddling somewhere around the shallow end of NIGHT SWIM.
By now the same old tropes are tired and youâd think audiences would be tired of seeing them, but Blumhouse recently announced their intention to release 8 films a year rather than their usual 4 after teaming up with James Wanâs production company, Atomic Monster. This journalist is choosing to reserve comment.
Itâs ironic (or is it?) that a film so firmly planted in a warm summertime setting was dropped in the dreaded, icy, winter-laden Q1 movie release schedule. Itâs almost as though Blumhouse knew what they had done, realized their folly, and just left NIGHT SWIM out to drown by itself⊠without floaties. Take a note from them: skip this swim â the waterâs freezing.
NIGHT SWIM is playing in theaters starting January 5th.