Let me make two things perfectly clear. First: this movie is not for everyone. Second: I wanted to like this movie…I really did. As an avid horror buff, I love an absurd concept and am intrigued by almost anything that updates Lovecraftian lore. Unfortunately, GLORIOUS moves too slowly for its own good, even at a tight one hour and eighteen minutes.
First, there’s THE ABSURD PREMISE.
Wes (Ryan Kwanten), a troubled man on a road trip, stops at a public rest stop to get drunk, burn his ex-girlfriend’s stuff, and find himself locked in a bathroom with an ancient, lonely, Lovecraftian god residing behind a decorated, disgusting-looking gloryhole (voiced by J.K. Simmons.) That’s right…a monster in a gloryhole…voiced by an acclaimed Oscar-winner. The mere idea of this alone is attention-grabbing, but unfortunately, the film never catches up to its concept. A lengthy, exhausting back-and-forth “why-is-this-happening” dialogue drags a bit too long, only to be repeated all over again when another (totally unnecessary) character is introduced. It literally takes 58 minutes for the story to feel like it has begun. This leaves a mere 20 minutes for the movie to reach its point.
Next, THE PERFORMANCES
If anything is going to save this film, it’s the performances.
Kwanten, most known as the hunky himbo brother Jason Stackhouse on TRUE BLOOD, has always been an underrated actor. Carrying a movie this absurd on one’s own is hard, but he somehow manages to get the clunky, often too snarky, dialogue to work. He deserves better.
The always satisfying J.K. Simmons is perfect, voicing the unfathomable god, Ghat. He knows what kind of movie he’s in, and he’s committed to his role all the way to the bank…to cash his paycheck.
The two play well off of one another—for one character being on-screen and the other recording his dialogue separately, they seem to listen and react to one another well.
Then there’s THE FILM-MAKING
Horror expert Rebekah McKendry is a name I’m always excited to see attached to a film. Her contributions to anthology horror films ALL THE CREATURES WERE STIRRING and TALES OF HALLOWEEN were compelling and memorable. As a director here, she finds interesting ways to keep a movie set mostly in one place cinematically interesting, and her love and appreciation for the genre is very evident. I can’t place blame on her for why the movie falls flat.
For that, I have to look at the screenwriters. Joshua Hall and David Ian McKendry are no strangers to the genre, nor are they new to absurd storytelling. However, I can’t help but think GLORIOUS would have been much more successful as a short film, perhaps even if shaved down to be a succinct hour-long romp. As stated before, there’s an annoying amount of back-and-forth, “why-is-this-happening,” and “I-have-to-get-out-of-here” nonsense that takes up far too much of the viewers’ precious attention span.
On another note, I can’t help but feel that this movie screams for the use of practical effects rather than its dependence on so-so CGI. I know it was filmed on a tight budget (most of which I’m sure went to casting Mr. Simmons) during the pandemic, but still…nothing takes me out of a horror movie more than being aware of its poor SFX.
Finally, THE POINT
There doesn’t seem to be one. A twist ending you see coming from galaxies away dissolves into a “what-the-f*ck-did-I-just-watch” epiphany. Or, rather, “WHY-the-f*ck-did-I–just-watch-that?!” If you’re going to make a movie centered around a gloryhole, make a movie about a gloryhole. Commit to the nastiness. Be raunchy. Look to Troma Films for inspiration and give us the apparent moment we’re all waiting for. In addition, while the film had successfully funny moments, it took itself far too seriously at other times. Picking a lane and committing to the comedy would have helped a lot.
I can’t help but be reminded of another quarantined horror disappointment, 2021’s WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING. That film, too, had a strong cast and a couple of scary moments (that infamous “I’m a good boy” scare got me!) However, both are interesting, frightening premises with too many flashbacks that never live up to the hype of their concepts.
Unfortunately, it just doesn’t hit the mark like nearly all films that lean into Lovecraft territory. I curse Hollywood for denying us Del Toro’s adaptation of AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS! (Fie, I say, and shake my fist!) HBO’s LOVECRAFT COUNTRY nailed it but was (devastatingly) not renewed for a second season. Perhaps, as Cthulhu is to the human mind, the concept of Lovecraft is too complex an idea for cinematic representation.
Or maybe we just need better screenwriters.
GLORIOUS is available to stream on Shudder.